Tester

For real.

Dr. Marten Boot Fetish

I got suckered into copping another pair of Dr. Marten boots. This would be my fourth pair of Martens and I don't plan on stopping my collection yet. Though, I did just get rid of two pairs of shitty fashion boots that weren't nearly as sturdy as these, so I guess that justifies my unhealthy obsession with Dr. Marten shoes and boots.

The Serena Wool  Boot is

These boots are on their way to my house right now. Props to Karmaloop for the hookup on free shipping. 

not vegan.

How do I plan to wear these Sherpa-lined  beauties? Like I stepped right out of 1992- complete with unitard and gold jewelry. Part of me now wishes that I had gotten them in brown, but it's not like I don't have enough pairs of Dr. Martens already.

Dear Betty: How to be a Super Pimp.

So, apparently I like to go on webtangents that nobody cares about. On a forum somewhere in the bad part of the internet, I found a thread with a young man seeking advice on how get beyond the "friend zone" with a girl in his life. Please take what you need and throw the rest away. I wrote this SHIT.

His query:

Well, there’s this one high school chick that I like, she’s not exactly that super hot chick…..but a cute one. But the thing I like about her is her personality (plus…she loves illmatic and all that other 90s rap).

We talk with each other every now and then. I can make her laugh. But here’s the problem that I’m in the friend zone. Got any tips to how i can get out of it?

-Teenage Boy on Internet

My reply:

I’m a chick that’s old enough to be your mom and I’d like to offer some first hand advice about getting out of the “friend zone”. I also have some pimp moves that you can try, read on

Ask her out on a date, preferably something where you will be doing an activity. Like bowling, paintball, or even dancing. Tell her it’s a [fucking] date. Please do not swear at her unless you’re a retard— which you might be, or you could just be a teenager.

After your date, go to a place with a couch. Cool coffee shops have couches, so do mutual friend’s—houses if you have any. Once you have girl on couch, check her body language (use Google to learn about body language) and make sure that she [at the least] seems to like you and your company. Also if a girl says that she’s having a good time or gives you any indication that she is having a good time, she is fucking having a good time and likes you.

Expert pimp move #1:

Take a mother-fucking bath before your date with her and make sure that you do not smell offensive before you sit on the couch with her. That also means not overusing cologne or certain spray deodorants that marketed towards young men. Two sprays is enough- fourteen sprays is too much. –girls like things that smell good or neutral. Put effort into your outfit. No body needs to wear a linen suit, but make sure your clothes (and underwear) are clean.

Expert pimp move #2:

Do something for her. Like bring her a soda. Or shot of vodka. Or even flowers. –girls like boys that do nice things. Whiskey is not recommended for minors.

Expert pimp move #3:

Once girl is on couch, touch her. Do not be a moron and grab for her tits, rather put your arm around her shoulder if you are sitting next to her. Make sure to cup her shoulder in the palm of your hand. No squeezing. If she does not try to instinctively get away from you, she likes you and you should then tell her that you want to “get out of the friend zone.” Listen to her response and then make out.

SUPER BONUS SUPER PIMP MOVES

-Do not ever grab a girl’s tits unless she’s grabbing your dick. We hate when you do that, and unless we have told you in one way or another that we like it, you should refrain from doing that. If a girl tells you she likes her tits grabbed on the first date, you have license to grab those fuckers all you want after she says it’s okay to do. If she slaps you, it’s because you’re an idiot.

-Tell her that she looks nice. Say something like, “you look really nice/beautiful/skanky.” If she does not look nice to you, you should re-evaluate why you decided you wanted out of the “friend zone” in the first place. WTF?? If this girl is like most girls, she will have put conscious effort into her appearance prior to your date with her.

*Be careful when telling a girl she looks skanky, as most women do not like it. I’m just making sure you’re still paying attention. :)

Sorry for the long read, but good luck getting those panties because most girls don’t like pimps.

Thanks to you Saint Expedite!

Mind your own business, or don't. If you have questions about what is happening in this post, ask google, not me.

Thank you Saint Expedite! You truly are a glorious saint!

Patron folk saint for emergencies and speedy resolutions: St. Expedite.

 I thank you for hearing my prayers.

-BB

They're coming...

I'm going to start this entry out by saying the following:

Fuck 2011.

It was easily the worst year I've ever had (and I've said that many times) and I fucking mean that. I could list all the reasons why in a long and drawn-out tangent, but I wont. Instead I'll give you the truncated version: I found out that I have a fairly common and anxiety-triggering social disease, had my heart thrashed into a billion pieces by several people; was hexed by an insane hair-farming wiccan (I curse you for your wicked doings, Bob!); I was so underemployed I might as well just have been unemployed. (By the way at the time of this writing, I'm now unemployed! Yay!)

Thank goodness for the new year. I mean that with my entire heart (why yes, I do have one.) I get to start anew and I'm using every bit of my being to make 2012 the best year for me ever-- that is, until extraterrestrials land on planet earth and we humans "have some 'splaning to do." What? Am I the only person who thinks this is bound to happen? Noyesno.

Happy New Year to my readers! 

(all 0 of you!)